Why We Resent Our Partners After Baby: How to Cope

“Having a baby changed my marriage in many ways. One night, I stared at my husband sleeping peacefully while I was up for the fifth time with our crying baby.

What I felt wasn’t love – it was resentment.”

Does this sound familiar?

Maybe you’ve felt that flash of anger when your partner says they’re tired when you’ve been up all night with the baby. Or find yourself keeping track of who does more childcare.

It’s hard. You dreamt of equal parenting, but now you’re the one changing diapers while they’re watching TV. 

I get the guilt—aren’t you supposed to be overjoyed with a new baby? But the truth is that resentment toward your partner after having a baby is more common than most people admit.

Let’s look at what causes these feelings and how we can cope with them.

We’re in this together.

What Does Resentment Mean?

Resentment is like a pot of water that keeps simmering. It starts with small things – maybe when your partner sleeps through the night feeds or doesn’t notice the mountain of laundry.

These little frustrations pile up over time. Before you know it, you carry a heavy backpack of unresolved anger and hurt feelings.

Resentment is a tricky feeling. At first, it might seem like just a little frustration. But over time, it can grow into something much bigger.

Have you ever felt upset about something but couldn’t shake it off? That’s the start of resentment.

At first, you might not even notice how much resentment has grown. But over time, it can create distance.

You may feel frustrated, bitter, or even disconnected. The key is to address small issues before they turn into bigger problems.

Should I resent my husband for not helping with the baby?

Your feelings are valid.

Feeling frustrated when you’re up for the fifth time while your partner sleeps is natural. And when you’ve changed ten diapers, but they haven’t changed one, it’s understandable to feel angry.

But here’s the key: resentment won’t help. It’s not about whether you should feel it or not.

Sometimes, your partner might not help because they’re selfish, but often, they don’t realize what you’re going through. They may not know what you need.

Ask yourself: Is your partner willing to learn and grow with you? Their actions—not just words—will tell you everything you need to know.

Instead of letting resentment build, try addressing the issue directly. It’s okay to ask for help and clearly explain how your partner can support you better.

Easy and Effective Strategies to Overcome Resentment 

1. Open Communication

Let’s be honest. Have you ever let a small frustration build up into something bigger because you didn’t speak up? I’ve been there too.

Open communication is key. Resentment thrives when feelings go unspoken. Talking honestly with your partner about your frustrations can feel vulnerable, but it’s the only way to clear the air.

When we bottle things up, it just makes the problem worse. So, how do you start?

Simply say, “Hey, I need to talk about something that’s been bothering me.” It’s that simple.

Are you ready to speak up? It doesn’t have to be a huge conversation; just a little honesty can make a huge difference.

And you’d be surprised how much just starting a conversation can ease the tension.

Key tips to use for better talks:

• Pick a calm moment (not at 3 AM during a feeding!)
• Share specific examples
• Listen without jumping to defend
• Set regular check-ins to talk

2. Setting Boundaries

Sometimes, resentment arises when one person feels overwhelmed or taken for granted.

Do you ever feel like you’re doing everything while your partner doesn’t seem to notice?

Setting boundaries can help.

We both need personal space and time to recharge. Boundaries aren’t about putting up walls. They’re about protecting your well-being and your relationship.

You can set clear expectations around responsibilities and personal time. No one should feel like they’re being asked to give more than they can handle.

What helped me and will help you too:

• Writing down non-negotiables
• Being specific about need-help times
• Making space for alone time
• Setting phone-free hours together

3. Sharing Parenting Duties

Parenthood can be a big source of resentment. Have you found yourself doing more parenting while your partner gets a break?

It’s natural to fall into these patterns, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Sharing parenting duties equally is one of the best ways to avoid resentment.

Make a plan. Discuss the tasks that need to be done and divide them in a fair way. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help.

Parenting is a team effort, and both partners should feel supported.

Let’s be real – splitting baby tasks fairly makes life better for everyone. Making a clear plan beats hoping your partner will “just know” what to do.

Try this system that helped us:

• Make a list of all daily baby tasks
• Rate tasks by difficulty
• Switch roles weekly
• Create a shared calendar

4. Making Time for Each Other

When was the last time you spent time with your partner, just the two of you?

It’s easy to forget about each other when life gets busy, but making time for each other is crucial.

Remember dates?

They still matter! I know finding time feels impossible with a baby, but even 15 minutes of focused attention can work wonders.

Plan a date night or even just a few quiet moments after the baby is asleep. These small moments can help you reconnect and remind you why you fell in love in the first place.

Give this system a try—it will work for you:

• Coffee dates during baby’s nap
• Quick walks together
• Movie nights at home
• Five-minute check-ins

5. Practicing Patience

Let me tell you – patience isn’t just waiting. It’s understanding that everyone adjusts to parenthood differently.

And let’s face it: the early days of parenthood can be tough. Patience is more important than ever.

It’s easy to feel resentful when things don’t go as planned or when everything feels overwhelming.

But remember, this phase won’t last forever. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. When things get tough, take a breath and remind yourself that this is just a season.

Things will get easier, but you need to be patient with yourself and your partner.

What helps to stay patient:

• Taking deep breaths
• Counting to ten
• Remembering we’re both learning
• Writing down frustrations

6. Self-Care and Support

Do you ever feel like you’ve lost yourself after having a baby?

Self-care is so important for both you and your partner. When you’re feeling burnt out, resentment is bound to creep in.

When was the last time you took a moment for yourself? If you’re like me, it’s probably been a while.

Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. If you don’t take care of yourself, resentment will creep in. You need your own time and space to recharge.

Whether it’s a walk, reading a book, or having a bath, find moments in your day to focus on your own well-being.

Taking care of you will help you take care of your relationship.

Self-care basics:

• 10-minute morning quiet time
• Quick showers (yes, they count!)
• Healthy snacks ready to grab
• Short walks alone

7. Therapy or Counseling

Sometimes, it’s hard to work through resentment on your own. If the feelings are deep-rooted, therapy or counseling can be incredibly helpful.

It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a step toward strengthening your relationship.

Talking to a professional can give you both tools to communicate better, manage emotions, and rebuild trust.

If you’re stuck, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

They can offer strategies that you may not have thought of, and sometimes, just having a neutral third party can open doors to deeper understanding.

Are you open to seeking help? It might just be the step that helps you both feel heard and supported.

What therapy taught us:

• Better communication tools
• Problem-solving methods
• Understanding patterns
• Breaking negative cycles

8. Apologizing and Forgiving

This one’s tough, but it’s necessary. Apologizing and forgiving go hand in hand when it comes to overcoming resentment.

Have you ever held onto a grudge because you felt hurt? I get it—it’s tough. But holding onto resentment only hurts you both.

I’ve learned that holding onto anger only hurts the relationship. It’s natural to make mistakes, but it’s also important to take responsibility and forgive each other.

If your partner has hurt you, express it. And if you’ve made a mistake, own up to it.

Apologies clear the air and create room for healing. Forgiveness isn’t just for them; it’s for you too.

Letting go of grudges will make space for healing.

The formula for good apologies:

• Acknowledge the specific issue
• Express genuine regret
• Explain how you’ll do better
• Ask how to make it right

9. Staying Positive

This is all about mindset. Have you ever noticed how negativity can spiral?

If you focus on what’s wrong, it just grows, and Staying positive helps break that cycle.

You don’t have to pretend everything is perfect, but focusing on the good—however small—can shift the energy in your relationship.

Remind yourself of the moments that make you smile—the baby’s first laugh, a hug from your partner, or even a quiet moment together.

Even in the toughest moments, there’s something positive to hold onto. Laughter, love, and a sense of humor can help you get through the tough times.

A little positivity goes a long way.

Daily practices that help:

• Sharing one good thing daily
• Taking baby photos together
• Laughing at the chaos
• Celebrating small wins

10. Seeking Help from Family and Friends

Have you ever needed a break but didn’t know who to ask? Don’t be afraid to reach out.

I used to think asking for help meant failing. Now I know it means being smart.

And it’s completely okay to ask for help. Family and friends can be invaluable when you need a break or a listening ear.

You don’t have to carry everything on your own, and sometimes, support from others can lighten your load. 

Call a friend for advice, ask a family member to watch the baby, or vent for a few minutes. You don’t have to do this alone.

We all need a support system, especially during the most challenging times.

You don’t have to do everything alone.

Ways to accept help:

• Make specific requests
• Create a help schedule
• Accept offers immediately
• Return favors when possible

11. Accepting Change

Let’s be real—nothing stays the same. Likewise, Parenthood changes everything, and it’s important to accept that change.

Your relationship changes, and so does your life. Accepting change is key. Instead of fighting it, try to embrace it.

The new routine, the new roles, the new love you have for each other—these changes are part of your growth.

Your relationship may look different now, and that’s okay. Accepting change opens the door to deeper connection and understanding.

Learn to see it as growth and not as a loss.

And by accepting it, you can grow together.

How to embrace change:

• Notice new strengths
• Create new traditions
• Find new ways to connect
• Build new memories together

These strategies aren’t magic fixes but can help guide you through tough moments.

It’s all about balancing your needs with your partner’s, creating space for love and support, and, most importantly, healing together.

Understanding the Causes of Post-Baby Resentment

1. Physical and Emotional Changes

When you become a parent, everything changes—your body, emotions, and life. But here’s the thing: not everyone experiences these changes the same way.

While you might feel overwhelmed, your partner could be adjusting completely differently.

Have you noticed how the physical changes after childbirth can feel isolating?

For you, the emotional and physical toll might be intense.

For your partner, they might be feeling the stress of new responsibilities without understanding the depth of what you’re going through.

It’s normal to feel disconnected. But when both of you navigate this transition in different ways, it can lead to frustration and resentment.

2. Unequal Division of Responsibilities

Do you ever feel like you’re carrying most of the weight?

It’s easy for resentment to build when the division of responsibilities isn’t equal. After the baby arrives, the balance of household chores, childcare, and other duties can become unbalanced.

Maybe you’re doing most of the diaper changes or staying up late with the baby while your partner seems to have it easier.

This inequality can breed resentment. Why?

Because it feels unfair, you both need to communicate and divide tasks in a way that works for you.

You deserve support just as much as your partner.

3. Loss of Intimacy

Remember when it was just the two of you?

The physical and emotional closeness you shared?

After having a baby, intimacy can suffer. The constant demands of parenthood leave little room for connection.

Have you noticed you’re too tired or distracted to be affectionate? Maybe you both feel like roommates rather than lovers.

This loss of intimacy can lead to feelings of loneliness and frustration. It’s easy for resentment to creep in when you don’t feel valued or wanted.

Taking time to reconnect is crucial.

4. Unmet Expectations

Before the baby arrived, you probably envisioned how things would be. You may have imagined equal parenting, shared responsibilities, and plenty of family time.

But reality often doesn’t match expectations, and that can lead to resentment.

When things don’t go as planned, it’s easy to feel disappointed or frustrated.

Have your expectations been met? Or do you feel let down? Unmet expectations fuel resentment.

Recognize that parenthood is messy and full of surprises. Try to adjust your expectations and be patient with yourself and your partner.

5. Sleep Deprivation and Stress

How’s your sleep been lately?

Lack of sleep and constant stress can affect mood, patience, and energy.

You’re both likely dealing with a whole new level of exhaustion, which can make everything feel more intense.

Sleep deprivation isn’t just about being tired—it affects your mental health and the dynamics of your relationship.

When you’re sleep-deprived, your patience wears thin. Small issues can seem huge, and feelings of resentment can grow.

Add stress to the mix, and it’s a recipe for frustration. Taking steps to manage stress and prioritize rest will help both of you cope better.

 

These factors don’t make you a bad partner—they make you human. Post-baby resentment is real, but understanding where it’s coming from is the first step toward healing.

You both need to acknowledge these challenges and work together to navigate them. It’s all part of the journey.

Signs of Resentment in Relationships

These signs of resentment don’t just appear overnight—they develop over time.

If you notice any of these patterns in your relationship, it’s a clear signal that you need to address the underlying issues.

The good news is that recognizing these signs is the first step toward healing. 

So, let’s understand the signs and work together to rebuild trust and connection.

1. Emotional Distance

Have you ever felt like you are drifting apart from your partner, even though you’re still together?

That emotional distance can sneak up on you. When resentment builds, it’s easy to start feeling detached.

Maybe you feel indifferent about your partner’s actions or simply don’t feel as connected as you used to.

This emotional gap makes it harder to share thoughts and feelings. Instead of coming together, you start to move apart, and it can be difficult to close that gap again.

2. Frequent Arguments

Do the little things seem to set you off more than they used to?

Frequent arguments—especially about small, insignificant issues—are a classic sign of resentment.

And what started as minor irritations can now feel like major battles.

Maybe it’s how they leave their clothes on the floor or never seem to take out the trash. But deep down, it’s not really about the clothes.

It’s about feeling unheard, unsupported, or unappreciated.

When you start arguing over everything, big or small, it’s a sign that something deeper is brewing.

3. Lack of Communication

When resentment settles in, communication often starts to break down.

Withholding your thoughts and feelings might feel like self-protection, but it only builds the distance between you and your partner.

Have you ever avoided talking about your frustrations?

Maybe you’re worried about making things worse, or you think they won’t understand. But silence feeds resentment.

The more you bottle up, the more resentment grows. Communication is the key to solving any issue. You just have to be brave enough to open up.

4. Bitterness or Anger

Do you feel a lingering bitterness or anger that you can’t shake?

Resentment often manifests as an underlying sense of bitterness, which can affect how one interacts with one’s partner on a daily basis.

Every small action might seem irritating or hurtful, and this bitterness can seep into everything you do, creating tension in your relationship.

It’s not just about a single moment—it’s about how you carry those negative emotions into your everyday life.

If anger and bitterness become your default reactions, it’s time to confront the underlying resentment.

5. Feeling Alone

Have you ever felt completely alone in your relationship, even though your partner is right there?

Feeling unsupported or neglected in your role can make you feel isolated.

One partner may feel like they’re carrying the weight of everything—parenting, chores, emotional labor—while the other seems oblivious.

This sense of loneliness can be a huge sign of resentment.

It’s not about being physically alone but feeling like you’re not in this together. When one partner feels unsupported, the emotional burden builds, and resentment follows.

Reconnecting and sharing the load is essential to reverse this feeling.

Healing Together: Overcoming Resentment as New Parents

Last week, I saw two new parents walking with their baby in my neighborhood. Despite being tired, they laughed about their baby’s new habit of blowing raspberries.

It reminded me that connection and joy are always possible, even in tough times.

The frustration and urge to scream into a pillow are normal for many new parents. The good news is that these feelings aren’t permanent.

Healing your relationship is like a baby learning to walk. You may stumble, but each attempt makes you stronger.

Think about your family five years from now. Your relationship is teaching your children about love. Strengthening your bond now gives them a lifelong gift.

Choosing understanding, patience, and love over anger, frustration, and resentment builds something beautiful. You’ll get through this—together.

Frequently Asked Questions

What can I do to Reduce Stress and Resentment?

Practice self-care, prioritize rest, and ask for help when needed.

Set realistic expectations and communicate openly with your partner about stress.

Managing your well-being will help prevent resentment from building.

Can Seeking Therapy Help with Post-Baby Resentment?

Absolutely. Therapy can provide a safe space to express feelings, improve communication, and work through resentment.

A professional can offer strategies for rebuilding connection and trust.

How can we Divide Parenting Duties More Equally?

Start by having an open discussion about responsibilities.

Share tasks like diaper changes, feeding, and household chores.

Adjust as needed and check in regularly to ensure both partners feel supported.